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Dear Kate

Life, love, family and more. Your questions, answered.

Dear Kate, My brother is going through a difficult time financially. He lost his job about five months ago and is the primary care giver for his son from a previous marriage. My husband and I have been helping him financially when possible, not just out of concern for him but also for our 12-year-old nephew. I was initially sympathetic to his inability to find a job, especially given the current job market, but I am starting to lose patience with him. He has put in a few applications and picked up an odd job here and there, but it doesn’t seem like he’s trying very hard to find gainful employment. He’s more likely to sleep in and hang around his house than he is to hit the streets and find a job. He recently asked me if he could borrow more money for his house payment, and I can’t decide what to do. N.R.

DEAR N.R. Family and financial assistance is a sticky wicket. Of course we want to help those we love in any way we can, but that help can sometimes turn to resentment if the person in question doesn’t follow through with what he or she says he or she will do. Prior to giving money to anyone, it is critical to realize that once you give it, it’s gone, and you no longer have control over how it’s spent. If you cannot give money or assistance without letting it go after it’s out of your hands, then it might be better not to give it at all.

If you initially help someone monetarily and you cannot abide the choices he or she makes with the assistance offered, then look for different ways to help. How could you offer your brother (and nephew) support without feeling resentful or like you are compromising yourself?
Instead of providing money, what about providing goods? Maybe groceries, school supplies, clothing, toiletries, etc. Another thought would be to hire him to do work you need done at your home: painting, car detailing, yard work. A final thought would be to connect him to government and community resources for people who are in tight spots financially. Central Missouri Community Action provides an array of assistance ranging from utilities to job training. Temporary assistance for needy families and food stamps, two government programs that provide different types of cash assistance, might be another option to look in to. There are also temporary employment agencies that he could connect with until he finds a permanent job.

The bottom line is your brother is going to make whatever choices he feels are right, regardless of what you think he should do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to identify the ways you are comfortable supporting him, and once that support is offered, acknowledge it’s going to be used however he sees fit.

Dear Kate,I am a new mother of a 6-month-old baby boy. I have found motherhood to be indescribably rewarding and a challenge of epic proportions. Ironically, the aspect I struggle with the most has nothing to do with my little guy and everything to do with the overwhelming amount of well-intentioned, though unsolicited, advice I receive from friends, family members and strangers on a daily basis. I am not entirely ungrateful for some of the information, but it’s the know-it-all attitude that comes along with it and the slight disdain I feel if I am not doing something they deem appropriate (and my own second-guessing of my ability to mother). How does one graciously deal with these well-meaning, though somewhat self-righteous, individuals? E.G.

DEAR E.G. First and foremost, there is no such thing as the right way to parent; there are many right ways. And as parents of more than one child often find, what works with the first child doesn’t work with the second or third. Even doctors and science often disagree on what’s right, and opinions change over time. Although there are some (current) scientific rules to follow regarding sleeping, feeding, etc., the rest is figuring out what works. It’s part of the journey you and your child are on, figuring out the puzzle of how you work together and what makes him or her grow into the best person he or she can be.

When people approach you with unsolicited information, there’s nothing wrong with changing the subject. If you care to listen, take it in. But if it’s something you don’t feel is helpful or will only serve to frustrate you, turn the topic to something non-baby related. If the person cannot help but return to the topic of parenting, there’s nothing wrong with excusing yourself (when would a dirty diaper be more welcome?).

Sort through the endless stream of advice and suggestions, pick out the valuable bits and discard the rest. If you and your baby are thriving and healthy, then you are doing it right. What a child needs most is to be loved beyond measure and to feel safe and secure. If you are doing this, there is nothing to question.