Time out
A look at parenting in the fast lane
By Nancy Yang | Photos by Anastasia Pottinger
In 1993, a psychologist named Frances Rauscher published research that struck a chord with American parents. She found that students who listened to 10 minutes of a Mozart sonata scored higher than others on a spatial reasoning test. Although the benefits were fleeting, reports claiming “Mozart makes you smart” blanketed the media. Pretty soon, Mozart CDs for toddlers and babies were selling like hotcakes.
Why had parents gone gaga over Mozart? Perhaps for the same reason that household chores and family dinners get slighted for tumbling, tee ball and taekwondo. Or why some children have personal coaches for sports, music and the ACT. An increasing number of parents seem to be bending over backward to help their children succeed. But are jam-packed schedules and hurried home lives worth the sacrifice, or do they wind up striking a sour note?
“Most of my students are very scheduled,” says Marilyn Toalson, who teaches gifted students at Rock Bridge High School. “Some have every moment scheduled. It’s very common for these students to be here at 6:30 a.m. and not go home until 9 or 10 o’clock at night.”
For many of the students and their families, they wouldn’t have it any other way. “Often what people don’t understand is that their free time, their social time, is school time,” Toalson says. For example, students might spend a Sunday evening working on the school newspaper over pizza — and lots of laughs. “That’s fun for them. They’re doing the same things as other kids might be doing, but they want to have an end result.” They’re working toward a common goal.
Setting goals and revising them helps kids realize that success doesn’t just pop out of the sky, Toalson says. It’s a process that develops skill, character and a belief in one’s abilities. A student might not be crazy about a particular assignment, but a goal-oriented kid will look at it as an opportunity to become a better learner and thinker.
Psychologist William Damon, author of The Path to Purpose: How Young People Find Their Calling in Life, believes that kids aren’t overworked as much as they’re “under goaled.” It’s through goals and a sense of purpose, he says, that children forge their personal identities. In doing so, they carve out a special place for themselves in the larger world.
Helping kids establish goals and find purpose is where parenting comes in, and as with most aspects of the job, there are no hard and fast rules. Experts recommend exposing children to a variety of experiences in hopes of finding a spark and fanning the flame. But children differ widely in how many activities they can take on, and every family has its tipping point.
For Kate Cleavinger, whose four children range from 8 to 17, that point came when she reflected on the family dinner hour. “How many times can you go to Sonic and change in the car?” she says. “It seemed like we were spending our whole life eating in the car. I finally said, ‘This is not working.’”
Cleavinger instituted a family rule: Each child would have to limit herself or himself to one activity per season. Once the kids signed up for something, they were expected to honor their commitment and weren’t allowed to quit unless they were having trouble academically. With Libby, Henry, Mary and Abbi going in different directions on any given night, Cleavinger was more than happy to cancel the following season if they didn’t cooperate.
“It’s kind of sad,” she says. “When I was a kid, we played sports at school, and I played them all. Everybody could try everything. In the spring you had softball, in the winter basketball or volleyball. It was the school sport, and you could walk there.” Now the window for competitive sports has gotten a lot younger, she says.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has spoken out against this trend. In a recent clinical report on the importance of play, it links highly structured childhoods to an increase in depression later on. “We can be certain that in some families, the protective influences of both play and high-quality family time are negatively affected by current trends toward highly scheduling children.” The report goes to say that though many of these kids thrive, all children need unscheduled time for creative growth, self-reflection and decompression.
“The dance mom is the same as the wrestling dad,” Cleavinger says. “They may look different on the outside, but on the inside, they’re the same.” Helicopter parenting aside, she admits to struggling with how far to push her children. “In the end, they have to be self-driven. But they’re also kids. Maybe I should push a little harder, but I just don’t.”
It all comes down to setting priorities, says Beth Parker, a licensed clinical social worker who counsels individuals, couples and families. “Families need to look at their schedules and choose carefully. I see kids not eating properly because an overabundance of activities and sports takes precedence over family meals. Kids and parents need to take a deep breath and evaluate all this.”
Belinda Masters, coordinator of Parents as Teachers for Columbia Public Schools, agrees. She recognizes the community’s wealth of opportunities for kids but says it’s up to the parents to establish limits. “They’re really driving this train,” she says. “The child isn’t. My wish would be for parents to be mindful and ask: Why are we doing this? How does it benefit my child, and is it enjoyable?”
A few years ago, Molly Zitsch was indeed driving the train — often to activities on either end of the state. As hectic as it was, her peripatetic life was part of a greater purpose. The Zitsch family shares a passion for sports that serves as a framework for their busy days. Whitley, 20, and Ford, 16, excel in tennis, while Georgie, 18 and a Rock Bridge High School valedictorian, chose competitive dance. Zitsch herself has played tennis most of her life, and her husband, Bob, played football for the University of Alabama.
“Sport makes you goal-oriented, keeps you in shape and prepares you for life,” she says. “You can lose and still come out a winner if you learn something.” She describes the days when she was driving all three kids around as extremely stressful, but during the years, the events and matches have become richly rewarding.
“My kids and I are really, really close,” she says. “We spend a lot of time together. I meet their friends one-on-one because I’m driving them, we’re eating meals out and we’re talking. We have a lot of down time between matches.” During these intervals, they connect with one other as well as the other families, which reflects a shift in how some families define togetherness.
These days, families often connect through their children’s activities, Toalson says. Gone are neighborhood parks where kids used to play unsupervised. The majority of mothers are now working, and they need safe alternatives to leaving their kids home alone. Besides, activities can serve a dual purpose. More of the general population is applying to selective colleges, where achievement in extracurricular programs earns scholarships and opens doors.
“Giving a kid every possible advantage can pay off,” says Michael Scott, Ph.D., a local child psychologist. He recalls a mom who directed her daughter, who wanted to join the orchestra, to the oboe. The decision was based on a Wall Street Journal story claiming that oboe players would fare better in college admissions.
“I’m not sure I ever parented that way — or ever thought about it that way — but I can’t argue with it,” Scott says. Years later, the child was awarded a music scholarship at an elite institution. Perhaps it was the oboe. Or maybe it was Mozart.
