Under the Influence

By Nancy Yang • Photos by Anastasia Pottinger

Stephanie Teter, 18, sits across the table at Panera Bread, serving up memories. She shares the harrowing details of an accident back in March 2008, when her green Taurus nearly flipped over a Fulton bridge and into a creek. As her story unfolds, forgotten images flicker through my mind like a screenplay of a former life.

Headlights pierce the night haze, illuminating the stony composite of a country road. There is an overcorrection and loss of consciousness. A whirl of splintered glass slices the darkness as the car bounces and spins and falls into aluminum arms, the great give of the guardrail bending and extending its girth.

Two or three more feet and Stephanie would have ventured into the abyss of what might have been. I wince, redirecting the thought and listening to a series of events she must have repeated hundreds of times. One thing she’s got down is admitting, right off the bat, she had been drinking.

“The choices you make in life affect you,” she said, blithely sweeping strands of hair behind her shoulders. “I was lucky. The subs in the trunk just missed my head by a couple of inches. The engine came through the dash onto my leg. When I came to, some random guy knocked on the window and asked if I was OK. He went and called for help, and I blacked out again.” Sirens and flashing lights must have revived her. “When I saw the ambulance, it was the worst thing in the world.”

Questions from the ambulance crew assess the level of consciousness but can’t penetrate the denial. After a dramatic display of youthful bravado, the Frye boots are spared. A newspaper headline reads, “Teetering on the Brink.”

Stephanie’s accident severed her femur in half, dislocated her hip and ravaged her meniscus. A metal rod now runs along her right side from her hip to her knee. Two surgeries and intense physical therapy finally eliminated her limp, but the real change was fueled by an unbending desire to reclaim what the accident threatened to take away.

“I was determined to do whatever I had to do to play softball,” she said. “It took me three-and-a-half months. The doctor told me it would take six to nine. I had a high pain tolerance before, but it’s higher now. In the morning when I wake up, I feel like I’m 40.” I guess she means old.

Stephanie structured her summer with exercise, driving classes (her license was revoked for 90 days), community service and work. Her mother and sister put work and school on hold to care for her. Her parents held their ground and made her pay the fines and court costs.  And somewhere along the line, she quit lying to her mom.

“Now I’m open and honest with her,” she said. “My mom used to say if I ever needed help just to call, but I was afraid of getting in trouble. You don’t think about it, but it impacts the family a lot.”

Few parenting issues are fraught with more fear and frustration than teenage drinking. The facts can be sobering. A 2008 Columbia Public Schools survey of ninth and 11th graders reveals that about 50 percent of them have tried alcohol more than once. Nationally, about three-fourths of 12th graders, two-thirds of 10th graders and two of every five eighth graders have imbibed. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism reports that the average age of “first use” has declined by about a year for every decade since the ’60s. It’s now around 14, an age that’s widely underestimated by parents.

As the mother of an 18- and 20-year-old, I count myself among the clueless. When it comes to underage drinking, I unwittingly waver somewhere between zero tolerance and open acceptance. It’s a dilemma many parents face. They fear that a strict stance encourages kids to sneak around, cutting off communication, the lifeblood of good parenting.  On the other hand, allowing teens to drink at home under adult supervision sends the message that underage drinking is OK.

“Parents need to be parents, not friends,” said Thaddues Hamilton, assistant principal at Jeff Junior High School. “I don’t like the message that it’s OK (to drink) at my house. That being said, we always want kids to know they can come to us, and we’ll get through it.”

Hamilton and his fellow educators see many kids who are on the cusp of teen drinking, and one of their biggest challenges is engaging the parents. “The key time to reach kids is during middle school and junior high.” Like it or not, this is when many of them choose to begin drinking.

Enter T-NADO, Jeff Junior’s non-alcohol and drug organization. About a third of the school’s eighth and ninth graders join T-NADO by pledging to stay drug and alcohol free for a year. (Yes, some kids do join to pull the wool over their parents’ eyes, but the program opens the door to educating them.) Monthly after-school meetings include guest speakers who address a range of topics from drunk driving to Internet crimes. The club also strives to bring parents up to speed.

“You think that can’t be my child because you don’t want your kid to grow up that fast,” said Susie Adams, teacher and T-NADO co-facilitator. “Just because your child is making the choice to drink doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. But ignoring it isn’t the answer. That’s where the parenting comes in, always being aware and not just accepting what kids say.”

Or other kids for that matter. Every summer, incoming sophomore girls attending Hickman and Rock Bridge high schools receive a letter from Sigma Gamma, inviting them to attend a meeting to learn about the organization. What parents might not know is that Sigma Gamma has no affiliation with either of the schools. “It’s a joint sorority with presidents at both high schools,” Adams said. “They have joint parties, and there’s not just a little drinking. There’s heavy drinking.”

Rock Bridge High School Principal Kathy Ritter finds that parents sometimes confuse Sigma Gamma with the senior girls’ service sorority, Tri Theta. “We spend a good deal of time explaining that Sigma Gamma is not sanctioned — no way, shape or form,” she said. “Parenting is a difficult job. There’s no hard and fast answer, but we need to send a clear message to kids that underage drinking’s illegal.”

As a parent and educator, Ritter is well versed in the powerful pull of peer pressure, which lies at the heart of clubs like Sigma Gamma. Truth be told, Sigma Gamma’s membership includes many girls who are social and academic leaders. I am reminded of a cross-cultural study in which teenagers given the choice between social rejection and the death of a parent universally chose the latter. Whether this is true or not, it illustrates the priority kids place on fitting in, and it underscores the sensitivity required of parents.

Where parents have made inroads is in preventing drinking and driving. The night of her accident, Stephanie’s friends tried in vain to keep her from driving by hiding her keys and suggesting she stay overnight. Since her accident she says she’s still “adventurous” but smart about it. Awareness has spawned a number of creative options to drinking and driving, including the increasingly popular designated driver, which has been graced with an imprimatur of acceptance, the acronym DD.

“I see college kids going to extremes to avoid drinking and getting behind the wheel,” Ritter said. “It’s turned around 100 percent. That’s been a big change. It’s a matter of safety, and that’s a huge message that has hit home.”

Perhaps what hasn’t yet hit home is alcohol’s effect on the developing brain. Researchers are learning that underage drinking disrupts areas of the brain that control memory, self-control, motivation and goal setting. (As parents of adolescents already know, these are the parts that aren’t quite complete.) Studies also link early drinking to alcohol dependence. According to a survey published in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine (July 2006), kids who start drinking before 14 have a 47 percent chance of becoming alcohol dependent some time in their lives compared to nine percent of those who wait until 21. “Youthful patterns of alcohol use can mark the start of a developmental pathway that may lead to abuse and dependence,” reported the NIAAA.

I sought some perspective by visiting Jeremy Duke, a licensed professional counselor who worked at Rock Bridge High School for a couple of years as part of the CPS task force on drug and alcohol use. His handout for parents (see sidebar) summarizes the issues well: “Balancing warmth and understanding with clear expectations and discipline is a tightrope that all parents of teenagers must walk.”

“This is difficult for any family,” he said. “There’s no hard and fast rule. Parents need to be flexible and in tune with what kids need at the time.” He speaks of the transition from ages 14 to 20 as a period of rapid growth and change. “It goes from you being deeply involved with your kids to being less so when they’re 19. It’s a balancing act, and the target moves. You get it right, and then they’re driving.”

During my girls’ early driving years, it dawned on me that everything we do to protect our children can be reduced to chance. My memories add to this realization. Thirty-three years ago an ambulance recovered a couple of intoxicated college kids from a green Cutlass Supreme suspended on a bridge above a Miami River tributary.  I was one of those passengers.

“Everyone thinks they’re unstoppable until something happens,” Stephanie said. “That can change in a second.” For months after her accident she’d have flashbacks of the ambulance, and the sight of her mangled car, imprinted down the middle by the embrace of the guardrail, gave her pause. “The accident was a slap in the face from God.”

Stephanie believes that parents of teens need to be aware of peer pressure to drink and keep the lines of communication open. “There’s always stuff out there. Kids are going to do what they’re going to do. Let them start making their own decisions, so you can monitor them before they’re on their own.”

I think of my own parents and how they relinquished control gradually and gracefully with their fingers crossed. My accident must have terrified them. I was a self-absorbed 20-year-old who was beginning to learn that my emerging empowerment would be tempered with responsibility, luck and happenstance. My parents, like roadside sentinels, were there on the sidelines, hoping for the best.

Survival Tips for Parents

Don’t panic if your teenager has used alcohol. Initial harsh punishments and anger are often counterproductive. Try and address the situation rationally. Understand that many kids who experiment with drugs and alcohol don’t go on to develop problems.

Initiate the conversation. Talk directly and clearly about family rules and expectations. Discuss drug and alcohol use in the media, and be alert for opportunities to ask specific questions.

Listen actively. Once you get your child talking, resist the temptation to make suggestions, lecture or interrogate. Kids appreciate and rely on adults who listen to and understand them.

Avoid moral judgment. Teens are acutely aware of judgmental attitudes toward them. Threats, scare tactics and sarcasm can backfire.

Encourage autonomy. Emphasize personal choice and control. Help them work out for themselves how they’ll handle situations involving drugs and alcohol. Be prepared for them to make personal choices you don’t fully embrace. As hard as this is to accept, you can’t completely control what they do in regards to drug and alcohol use. Make it clear that friends and other influences don’t excuse their behaviors.

Be a good example. Be aware of how your habits influence your child. Don’t drink and drive.

Establish a clear family position. Make sure the adults agree on values and expectations and clearly communicate them to your children. Teenagers might not always follow your rules or agree with them; however, it’s important they know them.

Repeat yourself. Have ongoing talks about drugs and alcohol. Repeat rules and expectations so they are understood.

Abridged from How to talk to your teenager about drugs and alcohol by Jeremy Duke, MA, LPC. Check out the entire handout and additional information on his Web site: www.jeremyduke.biz.